It really takes time

I've made up my mind a long time ago that he will be the one for me for eternity. I accepted all the flaws that he has; dealt everything I find out at the moment as part of the past, loved with infinity, and forgave endlessly. I chose to be blind of the reality and accept and believe all the lies he is telling
I might have shown him a heart of stone, telling him that everything is over and there is no turning back but truth be told all I said were all just lies. What I am really searching for is the effort he would exert if I show that  I don't want him anymore.

I made myself believe that I don't want him anymore. I thought it will work that way. I kept on making excuses for not putting an end to everything we had. I used to say that it's just concern for someone I used to love, that when I see him doing fine I will just leave him without a single word and find a life of my own. Without him,,,without his memories... I thought it would be that easy. I thought it's what I really wanted. I thought it's for real, until one day I woke up without even a message from him on my phone. I really felt bad. This made me realize that I've been doing these thing because I'm still expecting that he will still be the one for me. I'm confused. Or maybe it's pride? I'm just human i enjoyed the feeling of being ran after by someone who didn't even cared before. I love the feeling of being loved (if it's really love he is showing). I really can't think of a reason but one thing is for sure. I feel awful. I know that I can't be one who'll put an end to it, cause a little effort from him counts a lot for me. I may not answer his calls and messages right away, I may not see him on his first try of inviting me to spend time with him but at the end of the day I'll still give in. Yes I have to admit now, when it comes to him I'm really weak. i couldn't resist my feelings...I can't hold back.

With all this I finally realize, i can't stop this by myself alone. It really has to be him. He, and he alone could end this stupid relationship. But the pain sucks. I was not able to stand it anymore....no calls and messages from him so I tried to give him a call but his phone is unattended. I was hurt, I was mad... I wanted him back I guess... This went on for minutes, then hours. The hours turned into days then suddenly there he was again, saying sorry for not sending a word and telling me how much he loves me. I feel being played but i really missed him so I was not able to resist to send him back a message. He tried to explain himself while I pretended that I don't really care, told him that he shouldn't  have communicated with me and threw him bad words. He said that he wanted everything between us to work out well but I have too much pride that feels like he is just a trash for me. That was the last message I received from him...

Yes, I have to admit that I still miss him. I get tempted to communicate with him but then I have to endure this feeling. The pain I feel will fade away. Maybe in time..... There are mornings i look at my phone to take a look if he already sent a message and feel disappointed if I see nothing but slowly I'm getting used to it. I started with checking my phone almost every minute now there are times that I almost forget to take a look at it. I know in time things will be over. I hope...... =(

Woah!

I had this really weird dream about a friend of mine...

I and the one I'm talking about are not that close. We just hang around, had a couple of drinks,talk about anything under the sun when we have the chance to; but we know not much about each other's feelings.

Truth be told I kinda like this person, just a simple text message from ____ makes me smile.
I'm having a feeling I can't explain whenever I'm with ____. ____ is actually nice, or maybe
I should say outstanding(at least based on my criteria). Funny, outgoing, spontaneous, sweet....
I dont know what words to to use to describe ____. I think I like ____, but that can't be
because of a lot of reasons.

I saw us in my dreams ____ saying these words, "I love you.... You know what? We have something in common, we both hold back our feelings so that other people won't get hurt."

I know it's wrong to fall for ___ but I think I'm starting to....=(

Thought of the day!=)

"I ain't afraid to get hurt cause I know in time all the pain I feel will fade away."
I already used this as a shoutout in my facebook account. Apparently, I believe in it but
I couldnt live with it. How I wish in time that will be how I really am.

Fear and pain is just normal for human beings but these shouldn't hinder you from
loving and living. They are always there, waiting for your darkest moments and attacking you
on your weakest point. But these should be a reminder that in darkness there will be light
and weakness spells the difference between strength.

Feel the pain and make it sweet. Enjoy the excitement that fear is giving!

Thanks to Your Broken Promises

You promised me that you were mine...
You promised everything nice...
Said that you'll always be true...
Your eyes looked straight to mine, thinking that sincerity is within the line...
You were a good actor, you gained my trust and I was willing to spend with you my
whole lifetime....
I figured out the truth when in the midts of silence
I heard about the real you...
I feel really broken and my knees are shaking...
Don't know where to draw the strength to fight what I'm feeling...
I was captivated with your sweet words of lie...
Until now my courage to stay away from you is attenuated by the
feelings you engraved in this heart of mine...

New day same old feeling

Always thought that a new day will bring about a change in the way I felt yesterday.
But I was wrong, when I woke up today I still have the hang of yesterday.
Same thoughts kept running through my mind... Same images of the past were all
that I'm seeing... How do I say goodbye to a part of me... How do I detatch myself
from something that always lingered in my dreams at night...

I thought I was ok,, I'm pretending to be.,, but as I go along the way it's still such
a burden to keep..

Hadn't I recovered from the nightmare that I had for over a month now?
How long would I keep it? I want to let it go...
I ttried moving forward but I always fall into the same pool of mistake that I've had before...
I don't want to give up, don't want others to get hurt because of the foolishness I make...

Can somebody help me to get away from this sin?

Ouch!!!

I might say that it's over but still it is a part of me...
Though months passed, the same old feeling is still in me...
Yes I love him still... Was it yes I said?? The way I feel for him
makes me really confused,, seemed like my life has stalled
for over a decade.. And suddenly the realization that I should still go
on with my life has sank within... I don't know what to do... He really got into my
nerves... It's like a wound that never fully healed....
Do I deserve this fate?? What have I done to have all these mess... My life seemed
to be cluttered... My knees are trembling and it's getting hard for me to breathe....
I haven't fully recovered yet, and what I found out is something that inflicts me
so much pain...I don't know whom to call to give me console...

It's My First Time

It has always been hard for me to put thoughts into words. Feelings keep rushing into every inch of me, consuming my whole being and taking my sanity away, making my heart burst with all these that I can't tell.

Where do I get the right words to say when it's my first time to write regarding the way I feel....