I've made up my mind a long time ago that he will be the one for me for eternity. I accepted all the flaws that he has; dealt everything I find out at the moment as part of the past, loved with infinity, and forgave endlessly. I chose to be blind of the reality and accept and believe all the lies he is telling
I might have shown him a heart of stone, telling him that everything is over and there is no turning back but truth be told all I said were all just lies. What I am really searching for is the effort he would exert if I show that I don't want him anymore.
I made myself believe that I don't want him anymore. I thought it will work that way. I kept on making excuses for not putting an end to everything we had. I used to say that it's just concern for someone I used to love, that when I see him doing fine I will just leave him without a single word and find a life of my own. Without him,,,without his memories... I thought it would be that easy. I thought it's what I really wanted. I thought it's for real, until one day I woke up without even a message from him on my phone. I really felt bad. This made me realize that I've been doing these thing because I'm still expecting that he will still be the one for me. I'm confused. Or maybe it's pride? I'm just human i enjoyed the feeling of being ran after by someone who didn't even cared before. I love the feeling of being loved (if it's really love he is showing). I really can't think of a reason but one thing is for sure. I feel awful. I know that I can't be one who'll put an end to it, cause a little effort from him counts a lot for me. I may not answer his calls and messages right away, I may not see him on his first try of inviting me to spend time with him but at the end of the day I'll still give in. Yes I have to admit now, when it comes to him I'm really weak. i couldn't resist my feelings...I can't hold back.
With all this I finally realize, i can't stop this by myself alone. It really has to be him. He, and he alone could end this stupid relationship. But the pain sucks. I was not able to stand it anymore....no calls and messages from him so I tried to give him a call but his phone is unattended. I was hurt, I was mad... I wanted him back I guess... This went on for minutes, then hours. The hours turned into days then suddenly there he was again, saying sorry for not sending a word and telling me how much he loves me. I feel being played but i really missed him so I was not able to resist to send him back a message. He tried to explain himself while I pretended that I don't really care, told him that he shouldn't have communicated with me and threw him bad words. He said that he wanted everything between us to work out well but I have too much pride that feels like he is just a trash for me. That was the last message I received from him...
Yes, I have to admit that I still miss him. I get tempted to communicate with him but then I have to endure this feeling. The pain I feel will fade away. Maybe in time..... There are mornings i look at my phone to take a look if he already sent a message and feel disappointed if I see nothing but slowly I'm getting used to it. I started with checking my phone almost every minute now there are times that I almost forget to take a look at it. I know in time things will be over. I hope...... =(
